My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
