i'm lost and i look like a hooker
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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