I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
