So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
