Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
