Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I want her autograph on my taint
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
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