I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
