he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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