I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
FUCK WHALES
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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