apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
