I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
