He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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