I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
