Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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