I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
