I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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