so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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