He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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