I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
