If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
