i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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