Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
