So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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