I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I just googled if crying burns calories
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
