She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
