I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
