She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
