He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Success! We fucked roommates!
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
