I accidentally burped into my bong.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
