people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
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