You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
