my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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