our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
