Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
4 words: hood of his car
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
