pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
