ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
