The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
