If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
