she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
