Im at strip club and am horny
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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