then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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