then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
