why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
