I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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