Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
