I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
