Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
