Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
