Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
