My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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