Apparently you make a good broom.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize