I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
