my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
