Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
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