bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Even my vagina gasped.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
