Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
