When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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