We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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