How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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