ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
