found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
