Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
