I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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